Since moving to Australia I have had varying levels of romantic interest in three different people. This ranges from seriously interested to only very slightly curious. Each of these times I have found that the person of interest has only recently gotten out of a relationship and is therefore not ready for anything. Yes, I am aware that this could easily just be a way of letting me down gently when they are just point-blank not interested…but let’s disregard this for the meantime. Anyway, I’ve only been hurt by this situation once. The other couple times were shrugged off with ease.
As of a couple days ago, all three people are now in new relationships. I am happy for all three but find myself doubting….myself.
Coming out of my own previous relationship I was obviously aware that it would be some time before I was comfortable being by myself and therefore ready to possibly pursue something new. I haven’t felt any more or less comfortable in a while now. I don’t know if that means I am as ready as I’ll ever be or….and of greater concern, I’m just not learning whatever great lesson it is I’m supposed to be learning. Everyone else appears to have learnt it already, much quicker than me…if I haven’t even started…when will I? Will I ever? I feel settled…but what if I’m not? Is the fact that I even have to question this proof that I’m on the wrong track completely?
I miss companionship. Is that a bad sign? Should I not? Am I only ready for it when I don’t mind not having it? Because I think I’ll always miss it. Is pursuing it the wrong thing to do? Are you just supposed to sit around and wait for it? Chasing it is wearing me down. Chasing it has already worn me down. But surely if you don’t care enough to pursue it even slightly you won’t value it enough to do ANYTHING when the possibility of it is actually there. Because the issue is, I’m fairly certain I don’t feel empty without it, I just value it. I would rather have it than not. Isn’t that the way everyone feels? Even when they are comfortable being alone?
***
In a more general way I am of course also concerned that …and I’m trying to mean this in the least cynical way possible….(or maybe I honestly mean it in the most cynical way possible and I just don’t want to admit it) …what if there just isn’t anyone for me? Not because I’m a particularly horrible person but because…well…there just isn’t. I have no romantic notions about there being “someone for everyone”. If I meet new people at a pretty much constant rate…and well….I’m fairly certain that the rate decreases as you get older. Remove the ones that I’m not interested in. Remove the ones that aren’t interested in me. Remove the ones already in relationships. Remove the ones that have just gotten out of relationships (WHICH LET’S FACE IT APPEARS TO BE BASICALLY EVERYONE). The chances are well…..shit. In fact, it’s a miracle that anyone finds anyone at all. Then there’s the fact that everyone just breaks up anyway. It’s not that I don’t believe in love. I just don’t believe in the great abundance of it that a lot of people do. I’m fairly certain if you find yourself in a relationship that is genuinely worthwhile you have basically just done the statistical equivalent of winning the lottery. Or getting hit my lighting….repeatedly….Over and over and over again….You know what the chances are of that happening? They are shit.
I have no poetic way of ending this post.
FUCK. YOU.
Love going out of my way for people only to have them screw me over because they know they can get away with it. Go play on the train tracks.
ZOE! YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF.
This is the first post to occupy both tumblr-world and facebook-land.
then put on your bedroom face for him
all pursed lips and half-closed eyes with pink-stained skin,
screaming for sleeping hands on downed dresses,
screaming,
for dead legs come alive,
for dead legs come alive
And in the rising calm I feel her at my side
My father’s singing in the falling leaves
About the complicated beauty of a river run dry
